You're the reason i'm alive
by The Dark Narcissus
Summary: Bill and Tom Kaulitz are very close as twins, but what happens when their parents get divorce and Tom will have to travel to Hamburg? rated M for rape and language.
1. Chapter 1

You're the reason I'm alive……

Life, and the way people cling to it as if it was so precious, has always been beyond me.

Or maybe because I've never saw the good side of it. My name is Bill Kaulitz, I'm twelve, I live in a shitty town called Magdeburg, in Germany, in my family there's nothing but fights.

Dad once cheated on mom, and ever since they have never stopped fighting, mom said she forgave him, but their relationship, was never the same since the incident.

In school, teachers hated me, because unlike the way boys usually look here, I wore makeup, I dressed myself uniquely, but they call me gay, which I'm not; I could care less about their opinion, but sometimes, other students bullied me, it has been a while since the last time I spent a day in school without getting in trouble, I'm depressed, because my band just can't seem to get a contract, there's nothing in this life, that interests me.

"_You're the reason I'm alive, I'm the reason you're alive, for eternity, part of your soul I shall be"_

I know you're probably wondering why I didn't kill myself, well there's a bright side in my life, my hero, my idol, my soul mate, my best friend, an identical picture of myself, my twin brother, Tom.

I call him Tommi, and because he hates that name, he started to call me Billa, which I don't mind, I don't understand why people take so much offence if they were called a feminine name, and I thought it was cute.

Although I and Tommi were identical, we both had different personalities, so different, yet so much alike, I like rock music, Tommi listen to rap and hip-hop.

I had short hair, I dye it black and I have a long bang that covers my left eye, while Tommi had his hair pulled back into rough nasty looking dreads, and he kept the original dirty blond, I was called Emo faggot, he was called wannabe gangsta.

Tommi and I shared a room, although there's enough rooms in the house, but we like to be together all the time, sometimes kids in school say things about us, like we're gay, or we're a couple, just because we hold hands, I never understood what's so wrong in holding my twin's hand.

And one more thing, Tommi is a womanizer, yes I know he's only twelve, but if I didn't miscount, he slept with almost half the girls in school, I don't know why, we weren't popular, but he had his ways with the ladies, or maybe they liked him because he's a guitarist, I on the other hand, is not into one night stands, I like long relationships, and with the crappy life I'm having at the moment, a girlfriend is the last of my worries.

I sighed and closed my math book, after what seemed like forever, my homework was finally done.

I grabbed the remote, and went on flipping through the channels, without paying attention, my mind was so confused after the conversation I heard, I couldn't wait I needed to talk to someone, there's no one that would talk to me, they all think I'm weird, I'm so thankful for Tom.

I glanced over the empty bed next to mine; Tommi was supposed to be getting the groceries, why is it taking him so long?

_You're fucking drunk! You asshole, I shouldn't have married you in the first place!

_Ah bitch please shut up, you're giving me a headache!

And there came the sound of glass shattering at the moment it made contact with another solid material…….

Screams, cusses, broken plates, missing twin, sometimes I wondered am I really a pussy for not jumping of the window and finishing this already?

"_You're the reason I'm alive, I'm the reason you're alive, for eternity part of your soul I shall be"_

That was it, the reason I'm alive, that was an oath we made for each other, and heaven knows, that I wouldn't disappoint Tommi even if I had to sell my soul to the devil.

Silence broke my thoughts, as I heard the fighting cease, I knew the scenario, because it happened frequently, Tommi probably was home, and they stopped the fight, to make us feel that "there's nothing wrong" and "we're still a family" and all that crap they read in books.

Hearing his footsteps, and listening as he twisted the wooden door knob, walking in with a chuckle……

_They seriously think we don't know they're fighting?

_I don't wanna talk about it.

He looked at me with concerned chocolate brown eyes, he can tell my mood immediately…..

_Billa what's wrong?!

He came slowly sitting on my bed where I was lying, he lifted me up so I was sitting facing him, and he pulled my bang away, to reveal my very identical to his own-eye.

_Tell me!

_I heard them talking about divorce, I don't want to live in two houses; I don't want a dysfunctional family I…..

And Tom broke in laughter, I gave him a dirty glare, I was really concerned.

He sighed, easily picking me up, and sitting me in his lab hugging me tightly, whispering in my ear, in a soft small voice….

_Billa Billa Billa, you know our "family" is already dysfunctional, what would it matter if they got divorce or not I…..

Before he utters another word, I slapped him across the face and got off his lab.

_You stupid idiot, dad will ask for custody, and they might separate us, if dad went to live with his girlfriend, one of us will leave to Hamburg, we can't live in separate rooms, how about separate cities?!

I watched as the a tear found its way down his cheek, he obviously didn't think of that possibility, before I realize it, I fell on my knees sobbing in his lab, I was sobbing loud like a baby, while Tom sat there in silence, I can see the torment in his eyes, his pierced bottom lip was quivering, but he was silent.

"_You're the reason I'm alive, I'm the reason you're alive, for eternity part of your soul I shall be"_

After a while, we stopped crying, I dragged my body over to the bed, lying there, I didn't hear a sound in a while, we'd probably been like this for hours, Tom finally moved, turning toward me, he leaned forward, and whispered in a persisted voice:

_You're the reason I'm alive, I'm the reason you're alive, for eternity a part of your soul, I shall be, we will never be apart, no one could separate us, do you trust me enough to believe me?

The look on his eyes, anger, agony, sadness, all mixed in a flood of emotions, I did believe him, even thought deep within, I knew this was a false sense of security.

That night, we slept in the same bed, we didn't make love, this isn't how our relationship was, we just cuddled,

To be honest, I needed this, to make me believe that he's still there and we're together, I rested my head on his bare chest, he laid there, eyes widely open, I didn't dare to talk to him, I just removed his dreads from my face, closed my eyes, and somehow managed to fall asleep.

The door was opened and mom looked hysterically exhausted, she didn't get surprised at the fact that we were in the same bed, every time I had a nightmare, I couldn't sleep unless Tommi would be with me, mom thought this time wasn't an exception, little she knew that Tom and I had a bond, and we made an oath to be together…..forever.

_What time is it?

_It's nine a.m

, and it's Saturday, but we need to talk to you boys.

The look of bitterness on her face confirmed my fears, they'll separate us.

_We went down, didn't bother to shower, looking at them accusingly, dad uttered it………………Tom you'll come with me to Hamburg, me and your mother are getting divorce, Bill you can stay here with Simon.

"_You're the reason I'm alive, I'm the reason you're alive, for eternity part of your soul I shall be."_

So guys, this is just something that came up to me, if you like it please tell me if I should write more, oh and reviewers get cookies.

Yeah and I don't own the twins, but I wish I did!


	2. Chapter 2

You're the reason I'm alive…………..

I watched them from afar, sitting in the court, dressed in formal, next to their expensively paid lawyers.

Discussing our family, they would split it, like a pie, I don't care who takes what; but they decided to split us too, me and Tom I mean.

They would separate me from my other half, from the only reason I'm alive.

"_You're the reason I'm alive, I'm the reason you're alive, for eternity, part of your soul I shall be."_

They shook hands, and agreed, obviously not caring what me and Tommi felt. I turned to where he was sitting, a bit far from me, trying to keep me from seeing him crying.

He has always been the strong one, but this wasn't just some bullies in school, crazy parent's fights, this is us, the two of us, they're tearing us apart…..against our will.

Tom looked silent, but tormented with obvious grief, his chocolate brown eyes, swollen from the lack of sleep, his dreads were down, he didn't wear a cap today, his long blonde, rough looking locks, were like jungle, falling wildly over his shoulders.

His lips, dry, pink, and slightly parted, his lip ring, glistening in the light. His hands were lying in his lap, helplessly, I could tell, that the two of us were the most miserable creatures on this earth.

We went home, but didn't speak to anyone, our parents, although we didn't tell them a thing, were too frightened to talk to us. Anyone can feel the wrath in our abnormal silence.

We got home, while mom and dad got out of the car, looking at us in guilt, maybe even trying to apologize.

We were too angry to take bullshit, we ran up to our room, and smacked the door behind, Tom ran into the bathroom, and locked the door.

Walking slowly toward the bath I knocked lightly

-Tommi? Tommi baby are you okay?

-Go away! He sniffed, obviously crying.

After few seconds I knocked again, my voice small and breaking.

-Tommi I'm scared, please don't leave me alone!

After a moment of silence, I heard him unlocking the door, looking at me, his eyes red from crying, and I'm pretty sure they reflected my own.

-I'm scared……………would you hold me?

He walked slowly, hugging me numbly, I cried in his neck, this was it, the last night, we will no longer be………one.

That night, we hugged each other tightly, didn't sleep, we just laid there, not sobbing loudly, our eyes couldn't possibly produce any more tears.

Minutes passed faster than ever, pretty soon, we were embraced by the warm light of the sun, telling us that our final time together is over.

I didn't sleep that night, neither did Tom, we didn't say anything either, it's fair to say, there was nothing to be said.

A knock shook me out of my sadness.

-Boys, it's time, Tom you need to pack, open the door boys.

-Don't open; just give me few more minutes….please Bill!

Came the quite whisper.

I looked up, the look on his eyes, shattered my heart to shreds, he was begging me for more just more mere seconds to capture this last memory….for the old times.

I nodded, he sighed relief, and sat up, pulling me into his lap and hugging me, and I rested my head on his shoulder and just breathed his scent.

"_You're the reason I'm alive, I'm the reason you're alive, for eternity, part of your soul I shall be."_

I looked up and he uttered the oath again, I glanced at him in disbelieve.

-Tommi, you need to pack!

I stood up frantically, pulling a shirt over my naked torso, and taking another one from the drawer, and throwing it to Tom, who looked at me in such pathetic eyes…

-Billa please, it's still early, just one more minute ok? Come here.

His voice was so sad, small, low, and heartbreaking, nonetheless I ignored it.

I pulled a suitcase from underneath his bed, opened it, and start folding jeans and T-shirts and throwing them in it, in a crazed speed.

-Bill stop it!

He yelled at me, I looked at him, and then quietly returned to packing his things.

Soon it was all packed, Tom didn't say a word, nor made a move, he sat on the bed, watching me in anger.

-Now what? We'll say goodbye? We'll see each other on Christmas? And call occasionally? What about our freaking oath? _Are you throwing it all away?_

He asked in the smallest voice, my eyes were full with tears; I stared at him, begging him not to hate me.

-Tommi i was just……

He got up, grabbed his shoes and suitcase, and left the room.

I fell on my knees, Tom is no longer there, when we're depressed there will be no one to talk to, a part of our soul, has been ripped out, as we watched, and now even Tom is mad at me, yes things can't get any worse, simply because, everything else is insignificant.

I heard the car engine, and I looked at the window, Tom didn't wave me goodbye, he didn't look at me, he just threw his bag in the trunk, and got in the front seat.

The car was moving away, getting smaller, harder to see and there he is, my twin, leaving out of my life.

-Bill honey are you ok?

I looked at her in anger; I just walked past her, and down the stairs. I've never been this mad at mom, but she was a part in ruining the only good thing in my life!

-Honey, look at me, do you want to talk? I know this is hard for you, I know you were close with Tom, but maybe this will help you become an individual, you know, become more independent.

I didn't answer, I just grabbed my makeup kit, and took some milk from the fridge, today, will be the first day in my life, to go to school without Tom, I was frightened.

-----------------

-Well well well, look what we have here, sissy boy without his gay gangsta brother.

He smiled; I ignored him and walked past him to my seat in the school bus, that was Mike the bully, he was sixteen, and he scared the shit out of every one.

Never had he lay a hand on me nor Tom, for we both have always been together, but now, I was an easy prey, and I couldn't care less, as I said before, save for Tom, everything is insignificant.

The teacher was talking, something about genes, it all sounded like jargon to me, I didn't care, I had way too much crap this week, to care about why some people looked the same as their parents.

And the bell rang, it was about time, I carried my books, and walked out to the lockers.

I shoved the books in my locker, as I took a look to the left, there was it, Tom's locker, empty, I was invaded by a sudden urge to cry, so I ran to the bathroom, I didn't want anyone to see me, the reputation I have is enough already.

I pushed the door open and crawled into a corner in the bathroom, hugging my knees, and weeping wondering what is Tom doing now, I had a feeling, that just like me, he's crying, I wish I wish he can hold me now.

Suddenly the door was opened roughly, there he came, Mike, looking at me, devilishly, I looked up to his merciless face, as he grinned.

I knew he was going to hurt me, it was way too obvious, I just stayed there, blanked away everything, and had one thought in my mind, my twin's smile.

-I feel like fucking a chick……………………….


	3. Chapter 3

You're The Reason I'm Alive;

Chapter Three:

He walked toward me, grinning, I crawled back, but the wall hit my back, I was captured in the corner. He grabbed my chin, and pulled my face forward to face his own.

Evil green narrow eyes, stared at my teary ones, I knew that I had black circles of melted kohl mixed with tears, he sunk his nails in my skin, I flinched at the pain and tried to remove his hand from my face, but he grabbed my wrist, and twisted it in a painful angle.

I screamed for help, but he closed my mouth with his hand and pushed me against the wall.

-Say a word and you're dead Kaulitz!

I closed my eyes, tears escaping my shut eyelids, I nodded holding back a cry, would it be stupid if I told you that I wanted to scream "Oh brother where art thou?"

I was wearing a shirt that day, he easily tore it up, revealing my slim pale torso; he grabbed my waist and tossed me onto the ground, I moaned as I hit the floor.

He jumped over me after taking off his shirt, he forced a bruising kiss on me, I tried to shake my head, but he was way stronger than me, fixing my two hands with one of his over my head, and holding my face still with the other, while he laid his knees on my thighs so I couldn't move.

His crotch was rubbing against mine, and I could feel the bulge in his pants enlarging, as he went on kissing my neck.

Nibbling wouldn't be accurate he was brutally biting me; I didn't dare to scream, so I sobbed quietly. He placed hot kisses down my chest, as he unzipped my jeans and pulled them down, he easily stripped me naked afterward, I was gasping for air, but his heavy mass over my delicate body, was stifling me, I looked down and realized, he had stripped himself from any clothing article, save for his socks, grabbing my shoulder, and hip, he flipped me on my stomach, my head hit the floor hardly, and I could sense the blood, trailing down my nose.

Mike parted my legs, and I was crying in panic, as he thrust a finger inside me, without any lubrication, I jumped in pain, as I tried to move away, but that was impossible, shortly after, another finger followed, and the third.

I wasn't adjusting to them like I should, nor did I got a bit more flexible, so he pulled his fingers out. And then came the sudden, unbearable pain, as he entered me with his full length, he thrust once, and I cried in pain, clinching my fingers together, so hardly my knuckles went white.

I moaned, in pain and pleasure, he smiled and thrust harder after few thrusts, I knew I was probably bleeding, he arched my shoulders, and pulled my hair toward him, as he thrust harder and that's all I can remember I probably just fainted from the pain.

Tom's P.O.V

I was mad at Bill, for making our last seconds….yes words failed me, mad, anger, fear; I didn't know what to feel. And I knew Bill was just as afraid as I was. But in some point I had the most dreadful feeling, I needn't confirmation, to realize that something is wrong with Bill, we were still in the car; dad had this weird paranoia from Planes so we had to drive all the way to Hamburg.

As I sat in the backseat, I looked outside at the road; it was as dull as my heart.

I hated the feeling I had, I knew Bill was in trouble, it's every bully's chance to beat up "sissy boy" since he's alone now.

-Tom, are you okay? You seem worried.

I glare at him angrily, and went back to my thoughts. I heard him sighing, and the look of guilt was obvious

But he _should _feel guilty.

-So what? You won't talk to me anymore?

-Do you even care? You've already proven that you don't care what I feel, why do you hate Bill so much?

-what? I don't hate Bill, why would you say that?

-You're always ignoring him, yelling at him, choosing me over him, if only you know the shit he goes through every day.

-What? I don't hate your brother; I just think a small town like Magdeburg would be a safer environment for him.

-Because what? He's too girly? What?

-I just think he won't be understood in Hamburg, and you know big city boys are rough!

-Whatever.

-Tom……

I didn't answer; I closed my eyes, and tried to figure out what's wrong with Bill.

Bill's p.o.v

I woke up in the bathroom, I don't know how nobody found me yet, I got up, flinching at the sharp pain in my ribs, and my butt.

I grabbed my clothes, put them on quickly, I got a tissue, dipped it in water, and wiped away the blood trails down my nose. And then I cleaned the melted makeup.

I looked at my watch; it was almost 3:29 pm so I headed home.

I was surprised, that I managed to hold back my tears all the way home.

I walked in the kitchen, she wasn't home, I took that chance, and ran upstairs, I locked the door; undressed myself, filled the tub with hot water, and some liquid soap, and I got in. and I cried.

For long years, I took emotional abuse, insecurity, hate, and all that shit, but I survived because of Tom, now Tom is gone, I'm being raped, and he doesn't even know that. I sighed, as hot tears trailed down my cheeks. What is the purpose of my life?

After dinner, which went quietly, thankfully she tried to talk to me, but when I didn't answer her, she didn't push me.

I opened my laptop, and decided to email Tommi, if I told him, it'll break his heart, but if I didn't he'll know eventually, and he'll be pissed off, and broken hearted, he will know eventually; so I better tell him myself.

Dear Tom;

Waking up, knowing you're not here, feels like I was incomplete. Eating breakfast without you; was so pointless. Going to school without you………..Mike raped me, he hurt me so badly, but no pain could be as cruel and dreadful as living a life without you. I can't do this, I just can't. I didn't tell mom about mike, I haven't spoken to her since you left. When you left you were mad at me, I hope you're not anymore. This is too much for me to handle, I don't think I can survive in this world…….

Not without you, I know as I'm typing those words, that tonight I'm going to have nightmares. But you won't be here, to hold me. To stroke my hair, to tell me everything will be okay, you were my everything, and now, I'm lost, drifting in this hell they call life. I just want you to know one thing; I love you, always and forever.

"_You're the reason I'm alive, I'm the reason you're alive; for eternity, part of your soul I shall be."_

Yours truly

Bill.

I clicked send, and threw myself on the bed, I stretched a hand to my nightstand, and grabbed a book, it had my bands' lyrics in it…………..

I opened a random page and read the title "In Die Nacht"

In mir wird es langsam kalt  
wie lang können wir beide  
hier noch sein  
Bleib hier  
die Schatten wollen mich holen  
Doch wenn wir gehen  
dann gehen wir nur zu Zweit  
Du bist alles was ich bin und alles was durch meine Adern fließt  
Immer werden wir uns tragen  
Egal wohin wir fahrn egal wie tief

Ich will da nicht allein sein  
lass uns gemeinsam  
in die Nacht  
Irgendwann wird es Zeit sein  
lass uns gemeinsam  
in die Nacht

Ich höre wenn du leise schreist  
spüre jeden Atemzug von dir  
Und auch  
wenn das Schicksal uns zerreißt  
Egal was danach kommt  
das teilen wir

Ich will da nicht allein sein  
lass uns gemeinsam  
in die Nacht  
Irgendwann wird es Zeit sein  
lass uns gemeinsam  
in die Nacht

In die Nacht irgendwann  
In die Nacht  
nur mit dir zusammen!

Halt mich sonst treib ich  
alleine in die Nacht

Nimm mich mit und halt mich sonst treib ich alleine in die Nacht

Ich will da nicht allein sein  
lass uns gemeinsam  
in die Nacht  
Irgendwann wird es Zeit sein  
lass uns gemeinsam  
in die Nacht

Du bist alles was ich bin  
und alles  
was durch meine Adern fließt.

A tear found its way down my face, as I read this, I loved this song so much, because I wrote it for Tom, and he loved it. It was my way of telling him that I loved him, I looked out the window, and wondered….what is he doing now?

And thinking about Tom, I slowly drifted to sleep, the worst day of my life is over, the only thing that would be worse, is the rest of my life.


	4. Chapter 4

You're the reason I'm alive…..

"_Mike raped me"…….._

My jaw dropped open. My weak, childish, beautiful twin… was raped by a morose ruffian. I could only imagine how he slept that night. Without having me holding him, and affirming-even if it's false assurance- that everything will be okay. Just how did he sleep without me being in the same room with him?

I had to talk to him; but I was too afraid to hear his voice. So I texted him………

_I love you baby brother._ I didn't know what else to say, maybe because I had too much too say I was angry at my parents, angry at Mike, angry at the shitty life I had, I was sad for Bill, and I was sad for myself. I wanted to know if Bill was alright, I wanted to know what happened to Mike. But mostly I just wanted to tell him that I love him, because I really do. It stung my heart to think that he probably cried when he sent this email, it hurts to know that my twin, my other half, is going through hell, and I can't even be there to wipe away his tears.

My thoughts ceased at the sound of the door being knocked, I didn't answer for I didn't care. So he opened the door without permission.

-Tom, me and Carissa are going out to get some food, would you like to come, and check out Hamburg?

I know lots of kids experience the urge to punch their parents. But I think I had the most sensible reason. I ignored that urge; I don't need more shit in my life anyway. Hopefully he'll go away if I just pretended to be busy unpacking; it hurts to even think that I'm unpacking without Bill.

-I'm busy, and I don't feel like hanging out with _you_ and your girlfriend.

-Tom, would you stop being such a baby! I don't understand what's the big deal?

-You don't have a twin! You'll never understand! I hissed at him, fists clinched, as I shot him a deadly glare; but obviously I wasn't that intimidating.

-Son, I understand your relationship with Bill, but that's why we separated you, you two were too dependent on each other, you need to try to be alone for a while.

-No, that's not why you separated us, you separated us because you cheated on mom, got drunk every night, fought constantly, and made Bill's life a living hell, and forced me to suppress my emotions, to be strong for Bill; so technically we were separated by your selfishness and no other reason, now would you excuse me, I want to email my brother, and tell him that I couldn't sleep yesterday either, and that I miss him like hell. Which you probably won't understand being an emotionless asshole.

Even I didn't know I had this much anger toward my father as I spat my cold response, in disdain him, he was too confused to reply, so he stormed out of the room closing the door behind him, leaving me for my misery.

I ran behind, just to lock the door, I sighed sitting on the blue sheeted bed, I grabbed my guitar; and started hitting the strings, but soon I was bored, so I just lied there, I didn't dare to close my eyes, because I know I'll be seeing images of Bill getting raped, so I stared at the ceiling.

Bill's p.o.v:

I woke up, with swollen ass, pain throbbing all over my violated body; I thought I had the right to skip school.

-Bill? Get up, you'll miss school.

Mom yelled from downstairs, with a calm voice.

-I'm sick leave me alone.

There was no reply. I shifted on my bed, and pulled the blanket over my head, gladly she left me alone; or so I thought.

She opened the door angrily. Eyeing me; as she opened the blinds.

-Bill Kaulitz, get your ass off of the bed and in the shower

Before I get mad, you're not sick; you're just being a baby. She pulled the blanket of my body, revealing the scars, the swollen blue skin. And the obvious evidence that I was raped, her jaw dropped open, as she stretched a finger and ran it over one of the scars over my belly. I flinched at the pain, and tried to remove her finger.

-Wh…who did this? Bill who did this to you? Baby! Why didn't you tell me Bill?

I blinked at the pain, when she hugged me tightly, and all the sudden, I found myself crying in her lab, she hugged me and rocked me, back and forth.

-Can I not go to school today?

She nodded, guilt tears gathering in her brown eyes, oh Billa why didn't you tell me this? I'm your mother for cry out loud.

After a while, I looked up at her an in a small voice, that's barely loud enough to be heard I said

-Can I see Tommi, I really need him.

She inhaled in, as she looked unsurely at me,

-I'll try my best, but who did this?

-I don't want to talk about it.

And I really didn't.

Mom stroked my hair, as she kissed my forehead.

-get dressed honey; I'm taking you to a doctor.

I looked up at her, giving her a "hell no" look.

-Mom, this can wait, I need to rest please, and just make sure Tom gets here today, I need him.

I saw her nodded, as she laid me down, and tugged me in, she went down, and I heard her talking to dad on the phone, I was relieved; I glanced over to my cell phone.

1 new SMS. I opened it "_I love you baby brother" _Tommi.

I kissed the screen, as I pressed reply "_I love you too Tommi, more than anyone, I still remember our oath, I can never forget it, love you"_ Billa.

I pressed the _send_ button, and laid back, I closed my eyes, I knew I wasn't going to sleep, I hadn't get any sleep since Tom left, and I was starting to get exhausted, but I just couldn't sleep without his warm embrace. Maybe they were right, maybe we were depending on each other, or to be more accurate, I was the dependant one, and Tom played to big brother role happily.

Tom's p.o.v:

I heard the car getting parked, as I realized they were home….already?

I didn't care anyway, and proceeded to throw the caps Bill packed into one of the drawers, as I heard fast steps over the stairs, and without knocking dad and his girlfriend stepped in.

- Why didn't you tell me?

He said loudly, still panting, maybe a little mad but I don't think I can care about anything anymore.

-Tell you what?

I answered in a cold voice, didn't even look at him, I just started to gather the guitar riffs I wrote.

-That Bill was raped?

I dropped the riffs in shock, slowly turning to face him; I didn't know what to say.

-He told me to keep it a secret, how did you know?

My tune was no longer cold or harsh, it was just worried.

-That's not important, pack up, we're going to Magdeburg.

Alright this was boring, but I need more ideas, care to share some? Oh and review please! Love you all for reading this. *invisible hugs*


	5. Chapter 5

You're The Reason I'm Alive……

Tom's p.o.v:

After the long drive we made it to Magdeburg, we were tired, but that wasn't important, when we got home I saw mom, her eyes were swollen and she looked so sad and guilty………….

-Can I see Bill?

-Actually, he doesn't want to see you, he just wants to be with Tom at the moment, Tommi honey, your brother is in his room, you can go see him.

I nodded, and made my way up the stairs, and reached to the door, I hesitated a bit as I bit my lip, then I opened the door, to see Bill he was sleeping with only his boxers on, and I could easily see the scars all over his body, he looked so weak, so lonely, I quietly took another step toward him, to see better. Scars, bruises, cuts, why does shit only happen to _my_ twin?

I couldn't look anymore; I felt the bile rising from my stomach, how could anyone hurt Bill so savagely?

I stretched my hand, and gently ran a finger over his bruised shoulder, I saw him flinch and open his eyes, his tormented yet so beautiful eyes.

He looked at me and smiled; he pulled my hand toward him, and held it close to his chest.

-You're here…..it feels like forever since I saw you.

I smiled at him as I sat beside him, placing his head on my lap, and stroking his hair.

-Yeah, I missed you……Bill I'm so sorry you were raped, I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, and….

-Can we not talk about this now? It's over, and you're here now, so let me look at you, you look so tired.

I looked away, trying to ignore his observant eyes

-I couldn't sleep, not since I left, not without you.

I mumbled the last part quietly.

-Tommi? Are you going to leave again to Hamburg?

I didn't want to answer, and I was saved by a knock on the door…..

-Boys? Can I come in?

-Go away mom, leave us alone!

-I brought lunch!

Bill gave me a look, that I easily translated into words, I walked to the door, got the lunch tray, and shut it….and locked it.

We sat on Bill's bed eating, thank god he didn't mention me leaving again to Hamburg, and I don't want to crush his heart again.

-Tomi?

-What?

-When you left, you were mad at me…are you still angry?

I dropped my spoon and hugged him close rubbing his back.

-No! I love you Billa, I'm not angry with you, I never was.

I saw him grin and take a big bite of his sandwich.

I just smiled, and went back to my meal.

-Bill? Would you like to go out?

-NO!

I looked at him and sighed, sitting closer to him and I felt him putting both his arms around my neck.

-Did he hurt you Billa?

-Can we….not talk about it? Please Tomi?

I looked at him angrily, I didn't want to ignore it, I want to know what happened, he's _my_ twin and I had the right to know!

-No Bill, I want to know what did he do, I want toknow everything, so sit down and tell me what happened, I _need _to know what happened to you, or I'll go crazy.

He looked hurt a bit, but he nodded with sad eyes.

-It hurts like hell okay? He was savage, and sadistic. And it hurt, I was afraid, and I felt so lonely, at that moment, I would've gave anything so you could show up. It's over now, mom called the school, they expelled Mike, and that's the end of it.

I looked at him, and my stomach flipped inside my belly.

-Would you like some gummies?

-We ran out of them.

-Would you like me to go get some?

-Okay, but don't take long.

I smiled and went to a supermarket close to our house, I went in and took one of the huge shopping carts, stuffing it with all kinds of candy, and before paying, I went to a small section on the right, and got Bill a big pink teddy bear.

-Tom! It's nice to see you're back!

-Ah I don't think I'm going to stay, I just came to visit my brother.

-Bill? Yeah he's been acting very weird lately, I think he's crazy!

I shot her a glare; _no one_ is allowed to talk like that about my brother, not even the hot sixteen years old cashier that I banged so many times.

Walking home I was glancing around, same old ugly ass Magdeburg, nothing has changed….nothing ever changes.

Then something snapped me back into reality, it was a "for sale" sign on the Wentz's house, they're probably moving to Berlin, so the rumors were true, and then, a brilliant idea came to my mind, as I thought of it, it would be a way better option to buy this house, than live in an apartment in Hamburg, all I need to do is to convince Dad….that won't be so hard! I smirked to myself thinking _I'm a fucking genius._

I got home, and went upstairs, opened the door and saw Bill frowning at me.

-What's the matter?

-You're late, it took you forever!

-Yes, but I got you candy, a teddy bear, and a brilliant idea!

Bill's frown turned into a wide grin as soon as he heard the word "candy" he snapped the bag from my hand, and went on chewing everything he could see.

-Do you like your teddy?

He gave me a wide grin hugging it, after a while of "intimate time with fluffy" (yeah I can't believe he named the bear fluffy either) he looked back at me

-So what's the brilliant idea you said you have?

I smirked and sat down next to him explaining what's going to happen and what we need to do, and I saw Bill grin devilishly, innocently!

-I hope this is going to work!

-It will, we have the most convincing poppy eyes in this shithole of a city.

After a moment of silence, I heard Bill chuckle…

-What?

-You'd rather live in Magdeburg than Hamburg! Wow you're an idiot!

I laughed as I slapped the back of his neck playfully.

-Well I didn't leave because I like this fugly ass town; I left it because I like what's _in_ this fugly ass town.

-What's that?

-You.


	6. Chapter 6

You're The Reason I'm Alive

During dinner we went down, and decided to start our plan.

-Dad?

-What?

-I want to stay here...in Magdeburg.

-And I want a pony.

-Haha! Very funny! I'm serious, I'm not leaving Bill again, I don't care what the two of you think, we did it your way, and Bill got hurt, let's do it the _sane_ way now.

-And where are you suggesting we should live?

-The Wentz's house is for sale.

I looked at him as i caught a piece of broccoli in my fork trying to get Bill to eat it. I saw dad take a second to think about it, he liked the idea, and I couldn't believe it!

He took a look at Bill and saw the bruises on his arms and face, and I'm sure he was way too overwhelmed with guilt to pass the idea without thinking of it.

-Okay, but I thought you hated Magdeburg….

-Yes, but I still love Bill, you know!

And I stuffed the broccoli in Bill's mouth, but he spat it in my plate…….._baby! _I whispered.

-Okay I can't promise you anything, but tomorrow I'll call and see if we can afford the house.

I looked at Bill knowing that his excited wide grin reflects my own.

We finished dinner, talking about random subjects to take Bill's mind off of the trauma he suffered, and after dessert we ran upstairs.

-Bill don't you have any homework?

-Shut up and turn off the lights! The school gave me a week off; I'll enjoy it staring at you!

And he winked like a whore….typical Bill. I grabbed my guitar and sat on his bed, tuning it.

-Play In die Nacht for me. And he batted his lashes with a poppy eyes look…_please? _

-Only if you sang it…_baby brother!_

And he flicked his tongue at me. I started playing the riff and he began singing the song he once wrote for me, his angelic voice mixing beautifully with the guitar sound. Creating pure perfection. He placed his head on my shoulder and looked at me singing…..he _always _looked at me when he sang "In die Nacht." When the song was over, I carefully placed my guitar on the floor, and the pick on the nightstand. And threw myself back on the bed. Bill held my hand and hugged it, tightly. I had something that I really wanted to know, but I hesitated because I didn't know how Bill will react; finally I got the courage to ask...

-Are you still in pain? I whispered in a small voice hugging him. His face, lit only by the moonlight, looked at me with a not-so-happy expression.

-Just a couple of bruises that hasn't healed yet.

I didn't know how to answer, so I quickly changed the subject.

-Well, I'm off to my bed…goodnight.

And just when I tried to get off his bed a small manicured hand held mine with some power.

-Bill? Let go!

-Stay with me! I'll have nightmares alone.

I sighed and got back in his bed; Bill pulled a blanket over me, and cling to my neck as he buried his face in my arm, in an awkward position.

The next day I had to get Bill to go out, so I woke him up and head to the shower. I took off my clothes, but just as I looked behind me, he was standing naked…three inches away from my face.

-Bill? What the fuck?

-Nothing! What? We shower together all the time!

-Bill we showered together when we were three because mom thought it was cute, so please stop being a pervert and wait for me to finish. All the sudden Bill's face turned red, and his eyes went teary, oh how I hated when he manipulated me like this. But I couldn't possibly resist such beautiful iris. And so i allowed him to shower with me….._creepy! _

After shower, I wrapped a towel around my dreads, to absorb the water. And I got myself some underwear, a clean baggy shirt, and some X-large pants, socks, and my sneakers, I finished changing, and went back to the bathroom. I was surprised when I saw Bill staring at his reflection in the mirror, in the same position I left him in fifteen minute ago. I slowly walked toward him, and placed my hand over his shoulder, and squeezed gently.

-Hey, you need to get dressed Billa.

He didn't move his eyes from the mirror, he was staring for a while, which scared me a bit, then after a minute he made a face.

-Do you think I'm ugly?

I didn't know whether I should cry or laugh, Bill once had the greatest self esteem, and now……he's a broken scared little kid.

-No! We're identical, and look how gorgeous I am, this means you're good looking too.

Instead of laughing he looked down, and examined the cuts, bruises, and scars over his once perfect body, then he looked at the mirror again, and tears started trailing down his cheeks. I didn't know how to react; I just held him close and let him sob in my chest, rocking him back and fro.

_-Do bist alles was ich bin, und alles was durch meine Adern flie__ßt._

He looked up at me with teary eyes….expressionless. I held him close in a hug.

-Let's get you dressed, and then we can go get some breakfast.

He nodded and walked out the bathroom with me, I opened his closet, which I never really liked, and got him a pair of skinny jeans, and a hoodie, it was the only thing that I liked among his clothes. I got him some underwear, socks, and some converses. And placed them all on his bed, where he was sitting.

-Do you want me to help you?

-He nodded, expressionless.

I pulled off his towel and started putting on his clothes, he acted so numb, and it scared me a lot, my brother who was once life itself, is now numb!

I watched as he sat like a statue, not moving, just staring into the space, and I wished it was me that Mike raped, at least I can handle physical and psychological pain better than Bill.

-Let's go downstairs.

He nodded and got up, all the time looking at the floor, I didn't get the sudden mood change, just yesterday he was playfully happy, and almost the same Bill he was before the incident, but now, he's acting as if he was stolen from himself……and from me.

During breakfast I tried to open a conversation with him, I didn't care about the topic, I just wanted him to get out of his emo bubble, but the best interaction I got was a nod or a tiny fake smile that lasted for a fraction of a second.

I drank my coffee, and waited for Bill to finish eating, and when he was done, he came and sat on the living room couch, hugging his legs close to his chest, and burying his face in his knees, I walked toward him and put my arm around him, but he didn't react, I heard a small quite sob, and I whispered in his ear.

-Do you wanna go upstairs?

He stood up, and walked toward the stairs, hands flailing around as if he was lifeless. Before I followed him I heard my mom whisper my name. So I went to see what she wanted….

-What's wrong with Bill today?

-I don't know.

-Don't leave him alone okay? You're the only one that he'll talk to, so try to get him accompanied all the time.

I nodded and went back upstairs, when I entered Bill's room, and saw him reopening the cuts with a blade….

-Bill!

TBC.

I hope you liked this chapter, thank you so much for reading it, don't forget to review, it really makes my day to see a review, and it only takes a few seconds.

Merna.


	7. Chapter 7

-Bill!

He looked at me with a surprised face, and tried to hide his hands behind his back but I knew better, it ached my heart that he was hurt, but burnt my heart that he was hurting himself. I looked at him with a shocked face and did nothing but stare, he was there looking guilty, afraid, fragile, and weak. He was exhausted, everything was against him, and now I had to mend him, because if he was broken, I will be broken too.

-Are you mad?

He looked at me with guilty eyes, the way we used to look at mom when she'd caught us eating cookies after bedtime. I shifted and sat next to him in the corner, and he looked very uncomfortable.

-No, Bill. No one is mad at you.

I came to a halt when I didn't know what to say, was I really mad?

-Bill? Why are you doing this?

-I don't know. It's just... they told me it'll make me feel better and I...

-No, Bill that's not what I was talking about, why are you shutting me off? You used to tell me everything and now...

I shifted uncomfortably as I searched for words that won't hurt my already wounded brother.

-Don't you trust me Bill?

He looked down and I noticed his bloodied delicate fingers toying the blade, his legs were fidgeting as he thought of an answer.

-I...Tom I think we shouldn't be that close anymore.

I chuckled at the way he said that.

-Says the guy who almost cried because he wanted to shower with me!

I didn't receive the laugh I wanted, but instead I got a glare, which made it clear that Bill was serious, is he really shutting me off for good?

-Bill? What do you mean? We've always been close, why would you want to change that?

No answer, I waited for a couple of minutes as I saw him looking out the window, staring with full attention as if he was seeing what I couldn't see.

-Bill? Can you hear me? Bill! Answer me!

He again acted as if I was invisible.

-Very well, you seem as if you'd need some time alone. I need that too, I'll go for a walk and I'll be back later, then maybe we can talk.

I pecked him on the cheek and he remained the way he was, my stomach made a flip as I tried to repress tears from streaming down my face. I ran downstairs, I know I should've told mom that he was cutting, but at the moment him cutting sounded far less dangerous than him ending our relationship.

I went outside, it was chilly so I zipped up my hoodie and pulled the hood up, as if was trying to disappear.

I went to a nearby park, it was an old park with broken swings, and no one came here since they opened the big park, which was a mile away toward the north. But this park provided what I needed mostly, isolation and clean air. I couldn't think clearly with Bill around me, Bill who I once knew better than myself, is now a stranger, I'm feeling fear crawling in my limbs just thinking how he had changed in those two damn days.

I walked over the damp grass and into a corner when teenagers used to hang out once, I dragged my legs over the green bench and sat there with a falling golden leaf in my hand, I ran my finger on it as I noticed a drop of tears falling over it, washing away its dust, and refreshing it a little, I looked at the leaf carelessly while a piece of my soul was dying slowly. And the only word that my brain registered was why?

Why, would my brother, who had no one but me, shut me off and cast me out of his life? He knows damn well that I needed him just as much as he needed me. But no explanation made sense, however I tried to look at it, it wasn't logical, could he be blaming me for what happened? No, I knew Bill was smart enough to know that it wasn't my call, and I had to leave, I was forced to leave. After a period of time, there was one thing that I was almost certain of, Bill knew something I didn't. I stared at two squirrels running around feeling comfortable, as if the human setting on the bench was just a statue, nothing but a dead piece of wood, then the cloudy sky made me realize that I've been here too long. It was already dark, and it was going to rain, I sighed as I got up and made my way out of the park, my parents will probably be either fighting over what happened to Bill, or fighting about how to ground me for being out so late, or fighting about no reason, but they will be fighting over something. They're always fighting.

I got home and I took the extra key from under the fake rock on our front yard. I opened the door and noticed mom crying silently while dad was making a call. That was odd.

I froze in my place and gave them a questioning look, mom looked surprised to see me, and she came over and held me tight.

-Tom! Where is he?

She was panicked.

-What are you talking about?

-Your brother Thomas, he went out minutes after you and he's not back yet, you can handle yourself but he can't!

-He said he was going to meet you, didn't you see him at the park?

I stood there with one open mouth and a blank expression.

-You let him go out by himself?

They shared a look with each other, and looked confused at me.

-Don't you know that he doesn't even know his way around? He'd always count on me for directions!

-Oh my god! I'll call the sheriff, the police will find him!

I just shook my head, grabbed an umbrella, and an extra coat, and head out. I'll know where Bill is, I always find him.

I made my way through the dark alleys, it's just Magdeburg, it wasn't small, but it wasn't a big city either, almost everyone knew each other, so it was safe and boring, probably why I wasn't that worried.

I thought the only place Bill would go to is the church; he'd go there sometimes when he's depressed. I walked in the worm hall filled with benches, I walked slowly and looked through them for my brother, but when I didn't find him I started to get worried, I bit on my nails as I sat in the first bench wondering where is Bill.

-Thomas Kaulitz! How have you been son?

I looked up at father Jefferson; the always-happy man of god looked at me with a grin. He's very kind, although he's not that happy with my parent' marital status, but I couldn't care less.

-Isn't it late to be here by yourself? And where's your baby brother? I thought you two were inseparable.

He chuckled as I looked down.

-He's lost, I thought he'd be here but he's not.

The priest looked at me with a surprised expression.

-Son? Do you need help finding him? Do your parents know? Did you call the police?

-It's okay Bill only goes to few places this is one of them, I'll probably find him at the mall, thank you.

-Okay, well good luck Thomas, now don't you forget to pray before you go to bed!

I nodded and made my way out, next up was the mall; I entered the close building and climbed the emergency stairs to the roof, that's where I saw Bill.

He was sitting on the wall and swinging his legs over the cities. Something he did a lot.

I walked slowly and pulled him by the waist until he was standing beside me. I turned him around and saw his dirty face wet with tears and rain.

-Bill Kaulitz why the fuck did you leave?

He just stared at me.

-Bill!

-I thought it's about time I stop depending on you. It's just a walk Thomas.

-DON'T call me that!

He just looked away.

-Bill, I'm exhausted, I'm sick, I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm starving, I'm just tired, let's go home and get you in bed.

-No. he whimpered but soon he was walking with me, looking at his feet and not saying a word.

-We'll talk in the morning.

He huffed as we entered the front door; he kicked his shoes and shuffled upstairs only to be stopped by dad.

-Where have you been? Do you have any idea how much we were worried?

Bill stopped and looked at dad with anger; dad backed a little and looked at Bill questioningly.

-I'm not a kid damn it! Can't I go out for a walk without you being all up my ass? Tom goes for walks all the time! You don't seem to mind! What am I? Handicapped? I'm not a toddler.

Bill said the last words threateningly and snapped his arm out of dad's grip and made his way upstairs. Dad ran a quivering hand on his hair and sat there throwing his head backward and sighing; I just leaned to the door and looked at him. Mom was watching from afar, the tension was too much for her to even enter the room.

-Tom, son would you go talk to him?

-He doesn't want to talk to me; apparently I'm no good enough any more.

I said as I grabbed an apple from the kitchen, and took a big hungry bite, but after a while I realized, I'm no longer hungry, I spat the apple in the trash and threw it away. After few moments of awkward silence, I made my way up the stairs and mumbled a good night for the two scarily silent parental.

I tried to open the room's door but it was locked, I feared that Bill was hurting himself so I knocked hard.

-Bill? Bill let me in!

-Go away!

-Are you cutting?

-No.

-Then why won't you open?

-Can't I get some fucking privacy around here?

-Bill Kaulitz opens the freaking door now! I'm fed up with your shit today! I'm dead tired and I want to shower and sleep and I'll get a shower and sleep even if I had to break the door!

Bill didn't answer. Even though I've never used this tone with him before, but today I have had it. A second later the door creaked just a bit and he tossed my pillow, some blankets, some clean clothes and a towel.

-Shower in mom's bathroom and sleep on the couch.

That was all I heard before the small click of the door lock. I banged on the door with all the physical power I had left in me, now I was furious!

-Bill Kaulitz if you won't let me in I swear I'll kick your ass so bad you won't feel it the next time you get raped.

I gasped once I realized what I said, how could such insensitive words come out of me? And to Bill? This was one of the worst days ever!

-Bill? Bill! I'm so sorry I didn't mean to say this, open the door Billa! It's okay; it's just me Tomi, your Tomi! I didn't mean to say this, I'm sorry!

He didn't response, but I heard him sniff and whimper. I knew he was crying, and I also knew that I'm the last person he wants to see at the moment. I grabbed the fabrics he threw and headed down, my parents still in the same position I've left them, but this time they had their eyes fixed on me.

-I'm no good enough to share a room with him either, mom can I use your bathroom?

I walked toward her room without caring whether or not she agreed, I tossed my clothes on the floor and got into the shower, I opened it to the hottest degree and looked at the water leaving red tracks on my already sensitive skin. I remained in the shower long enough to get the whole bathroom foggy. It wasn't until I got out and wiped the fog off the mirror with my shirt that I noticed how red and glassy my eyes were, obviously I was crying but not knowing it.

I kept the towel around my dreads after drying my body; I put the clean clothes on quickly and headed to the living room, what a comfortable sleep I'll be getting tonight. I thought sarcastically.

The living room was empty, I'm guessing our oh-so-wonderful- parents have gone somewhere else, which I was thankful for. I flicked the lamp off and sank my head in the pillow, shifting almost immediately over the uncomfortable couch. After what seemed like forever I turned around and it was only midnight, I laid on my back and sighed wondering if Bill was able to sleep. After hours and hours of failure attempts of sleep, I looked at the clock which tortured me with its loud click of every slow second, and the fact that it announced the time 00:20

I huffed as I got up and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water, I was drained out of energy, but I couldn't sleep. Maybe I couldn't sleep knowing that Bill is mad at me, I had to talk to him, and I had to talk to him now. For the sake of my mental health, I had to talk to him.

I made my firm decision but I hesitated when I reached the stairs, I got myself together and got up anyway, I knocked lightly on the door and there was no answer, but I knew better.

-Bill, baby I know you're awake, I couldn't sleep without you either, I just can't stand myself, and can't stand the fact that you're mad at me, I know I was an asshole, but could you please let me in? I'll do whatever you want to make it up to you.

I waited for three minutes exactly, I was so nervous I counted the seconds, 180 seconds and a half before I heard a click of the door lock and a small scared face sneaking out.

-Will you hold me Tomi?

TBC.

Oh well there you have it, I'm sorry it's a late update, but blame the damn violin teacher, she's killing me! Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter, thank you for reading, and remember more reviews= faster updates!


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Tom's P.O.V:

Just like magic, we fell asleep almost immediately after we got in the same bed. I hoped that Bill changed his mind about shutting me off, but no such luck….

In the morning I awoke to find Bill gone, instead I was holding the gigantic teddy I bought him last Christmas. Hearing the water running in the bathroom made me want to hurry there, I got up and headed to the bathroom when I saw Bill yell and throw a washcloth on me.

"Get out! Can't you see I'm showering?"

"Geez! No need to yell, what's your problem? It's not like I'm a stranger!"

And a shampoo bottle followed the washcloth making its way to my oblivious head.

"Bill! What the fuck?"

"_Get. Out."_

Bill's tone was threatening, and his teeth were clenched, he wasn't intimidating, I just didn't feel like throwing a feud that early, I knew tomorrow would be the end of the week off, and Bill would have to get back to school but I didn't think he was ready.

I dropped my toothbrush and walked out, feeling the need for a big breakfast to take my mind off things. Downstairs the smell of freshly baked pastries could be noticed from across the street, I helped myself with a whole bunch and dipped them in liquid chocolate, I got two mugs of coffee and headed back upstairs without uttering a word to my parents. Although I did reply to my mom's sickly sweet "good morning pumpkin."

When my struggle to open the door while holding a big tray ended in me putting the tray on the floor, I noticed that Bill was back in bed, for a second I felt pissed at the way he was acting and just wished he could get over it and move on with his fucking life and before I could snap out of that thought, he had caught it..

"Easy for you to say, you're not the 'sissy' one. You could function fine on your own, what am I? I'm nothing…."

He said the last part with a sardonic laugh, that made me sigh and regret thinking that, but how can I help my thoughts?

I picked up the tray and placed it on my nightstand after I closed the door and locked it. I went closely to Bill's bed, when he didn't react, I sat down and put a hand on his shoulder.

"You're not nothing, you're my everything."

"It doesn't matter what I am to you! But what am I to the world? I need a big brother to escort me to school! **And we live in Magdeburg!" **

"Bill I'm always going to be here, so it's not a problem."

"NO! No you're not, you were gone for two days and I almost got killed! I can't survive for two days Tom! You can but I can't, and guess whose fault is that? YOU! Oh yes! All this time playing the "protector" and shit! You never gave me the chance to be independent, you controlled my life! What I ate, who I befriended, what I studied, who I talked to, where I went, EVERYTHING! You've always insisted on going with me wherever I went! I can't even take a walk by myself without having mom and dad panic to the point of calling the police! Do you know why? Because thanks to your overprotective foolishness, I know no better than a child!"

Bill's P.O.V:

I was panting as I let everything I was feeling for the past couple of days out, I watched Tom looking at me dumbfounded, and I wasn't sure if I was feeling better, but I knew for sure that he had to know that he can no longer treat me like a kid.

I took another look at him and saw that he was struggling to find something to say, it was an antagonizing wait until he opened his mouth.

"But that's what big brothers are for."

His voice was small and apologetic, he spoke softly and I could almost sense the shiver in his words.

"You're not my big brother, you're my twin. That makes us equal stupid! We were conceived at the same time, you just popped out first, why do you get all the advantages?"

"But Billa….It has always been this way."

I sighed at his denseness, apparently I caught him off guard, he was still deciphering what I'm trying to get him to understand, and he wasn't getting anywhere.

"It has, but how did it end? You were gone for two days and I got raped! If I had grown up taking care of myself, I would've been able to stop it from happening, I'm not bitter about, I'm angry and I feel that my intelligence and strength as a human being are being mocked by the way everyone treats me! You don't notice this, but when people talk to us, they look at you, because I'll agree to whatever you agree on, I'm just a body Thomas, no one take me seriously, because I don't take myself seriously…because_ you_ don't take me seriously."

Tom had an indistinguishable look on his face, you couldn't quite get what he was feeling, but whatever it was, it didn't look good.

"So…what do you want now?"

"I don't want you to get me breakfast; I don't want you following me around like a goddamn bodyguard; I don't need you holding my hand, or helping me with homework, I don't need you defending me, I just need you to be there, I still love you Thomas, as much as I've always done, but I want you to respect my ability to be independent, I want you to believe that I can be like you, because after all we're twins."

"Oh….O.K."

And with that he headed to his bed, crawled under the sheets and took a deep long shaky breathe, It took a lot of self control to not run to him and snuggle with him and tell him that I'll always need him. I know I will always need him, I just don't want to need him that way, it's exhausting for me, and even though he'll never admit it, it's exhausting for him too.

"Billa…"

His voice was again soft and shaky…he almost sounded like me when I'm on the verge of crying...

"You're not going to leave me from now on and drift away from me, are you?"

"Thomas, look at me."

And glassy, tired, brown orbs that matched mine glanced at me.

"No family, friend, teacher, law enforcer, religious leader, political activist, drug, activity, moral reason, health complication, scientific experiment, candy, god, teddy bear, bully, or even alien can take me away from you."

And with that promise, he chuckled, and I smiled at him. I knew tomorrow is going to be a rough day, but I'll think of it as a much needed experience.

After that we laid in our beds without saying a word, I was content with how things are, as much as I didn't like all the new responsibilities that I took voluntarily, I was proud of myself for admitting that I do-in fact- need to grow up. After a while Tom broke the silence, but his voice was more playful than the last time he spoke.

"Bill?"

"Yeah?"

"If you called me Thomas again, I'll have to kick your ass, and no 'I'm your twin' could save you."

On that I just chuckled and made a scared face.

"I love you Tomi."

"I love you too Billa."


End file.
